Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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