Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
