I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
