We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize