I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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