it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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