That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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