I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
