It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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