Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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