My underwear smells like fireworks.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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