For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
