You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize