the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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