The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
