This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
