she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
