True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize