So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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