I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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