You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
