I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
