just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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