Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
