Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
