dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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