Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
