Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
