i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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