dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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