I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
