i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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