As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
