I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
