he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
