so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
