do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
