my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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