She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am available for nakedness
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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