the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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