recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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