We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
