1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
