my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
