we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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