then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
