Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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