just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
