Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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