My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize