what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
