I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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