Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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