The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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