We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
