i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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