I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
