so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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