turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
