I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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