First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
