I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize