U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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