I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize