I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
