John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
