Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
