Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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