The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
