im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
