It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
