I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
